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Cake Bandit

From Randomramblings


Cake Bandit

Cake Bandit (1061 - ????) is a Norse God who is named after Halloween, the day on which he was born. Contents

Early Life

Not much can be deduced about CB's early life since he was avatar to a largely irrevelant civilization in the Dark Ages. However, this much can be said: so great was CB's adoration of Thursday that he wrote a number of odes, haikus and sonnets to it, often becoming so lyrical that he would inadvertently make love to Friday, Wednesday and Elizabeth Corday without realising it.

CB was unable to find work among his people through many of the Great Revolutions, and was left twiddling his thumbs in his room in a "no experience, no job, no job no experience" funk.

Later Life

At the turn of the century, worked Vaudeville as the "Electro-wunder", posing as a German and strapping himself to an electric chair and letting others prod his nipples with a metal stick. With the collapse of the sideshow circuit, he later worked kid's parties during the Great Depression. With these experiences in hand, CB decided to get off his couch and audition for a movie.

According to film historian and conspiracy nut David Brin, the instrumental role of CB was actually played by CB himself in The Second World War II. In it, he is summoned by Rommel Reagan's crack team of "rufen Sie zusammens" or "Summoners" to defeat the Allies. In a scene without adherence to much logic or thought, CB is able to sink a fleet of Allied battleships with several well-timed and unnecessary chants of "LIGHTNING BOLT" "LIGHTNING BOLT" "LIGHTNING BOLT" (no doubt a shameless rift on the popularity of the accio firebolt spell in Harry Potter's bag of tricks). According to magicians, who are scientists who study magic (magicists), the scene was really hyperbole and special effects because CB relies on his giant E-penis for such feats. Furthermore, he could only lightning comparable to that of a small Van der Graaf Generator, which also explains why he often worked kid's parties during the Great Depression. After smashing success on the Isles and the Caucacus Mountains, CB is defeated by his half-brother and resistance conspirator Donald Trump, who brainwashes his wife into sex acts with top Nazi brass, and forms the God-Fearing Republicans.

Since then, and widely believed to be a Nazi war criminal, CB has escaped to a quiet life in America, like many other disgraced bastards, such as his former pal Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and George W. Bush. In seeking amnesty for doing despicable deeds in a fictional piece of work, CB soon fell back to his old ways by lending his likeness to the aptly-titled Marvel comic ORLY???. Initial sales were good but quickly tapered off as the novelty of a Nazi Ubermensch wore thin. Readers were not interested in the paper-thin characterizations and invulnerability of CB. The book was so bad, it made Baby Jesus cry and was universally lauded as the worst comic book based of a Norse figure ever. Once again, nobody gave two shits about CB, and he was out turning tricks on the street once again.

Being immortal, he is still alive. However, CB has been out of the public eye ever since permanently passing after a terrible 67 and 6/7ths years of straight drinking. His final act was the creation of Mead from his own urine, which would serve as the lifeblood for vikings for centuries to come until it was replaced by Pansy Scandinavian Socialism.


Much of his later life has been steeped in controversy, and this list is far from complete.

Though some have definitely tried, it has not yet been conclusively proven that masturbation in a thunder storm will make you feel like, or become, Cake Bandit.

Many feminazis also question the cultural implications of deriving Cake Banditina as a girl name's from the uber-masculinity of CB.

CB is really Bacchus? Some say the name "Cake Bandit" is the stage name used by Bacchus for his side gig as the Norse God of Thunder. CB himself remains vague on this issue, revealing nothing except that "Bacchus was a good friend."

Accusations that CB is a Homo are unfounded.

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